Lane of Memories :: Ricochet

Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future,
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable.
What might have been is an abstraction
Remaining a perpetual possibility
Only in a world of speculation.
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.
Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
Into the rose-garden. My words echo
Thus, in your mind.

- T.S. Eliot in Burnt Norton (Four Quartets)

A fissure or a little crack. That's how it starts. That's how it started. Communication breakdown.

"You still won't talk to me will you?"
"Got nothing to say, girl. It's the whirlwind of circular thoughts, centrifugal more than centripetal."

Complete shut down. Strangling hope.

"It's the same thing over and over again. What new do I have? Nothing!"
"You can talk the same things over and over again."

Is there a point in justifying intense emotions? Can we really be a healthy mix of rational and emotional? Practically handling emotions? Not everything is in our control. Sometimes we might believe so. Sometimes we teach ourselves to believe so. We fight the easier acceptance. Just let the syringe in. It might save, it might not. But just let it in.

"I am like my element water. I take the shape of the container with each person. I am how they are. I am a chameleon."
"So with me too right?"
"You think so?"
"I don't want to think really."

Escape. Escape the very words that differentiate white from black. Love from hate. Release yourself from worries. Just to plunge in a sea of unknown. Where memories are just images. Quarantined from feelings.

"I still like to think that You and I are strong and the US even stronger."

Suddenly you put out a hand to touch an image and realize the futility of your escape. Apart from the ultimate escape, are humans really strong enough as they believe themselves to be. Suddenly the water starts choking and you fight to breathe for acceptance. Acceptance of your own emotions.

"I came to meet you as soon as I was in town. Because I know how I was feeling and I felt what you must be feeling too."
"I was broken then, completely broken."
"I am still. I don't even know how many parts are missing."
"I am not. I am healing. Because of you. Because you are there. Because of the little moments I spend with you. Because every time you make that extra effort. Because of those texts, song dedications, poems. Do you know, I have not written so many poems about anyone as I have for you. Because I can't just keep my emotions in place. I just can't. When it's you, poetry flows."

Words. All entrapped in words. Language trying to bridge the inexplicable connection of the soul. The most pure tainted link. Trying to shield each other. A rope with an entwining thread of 26 alphabets. A losing bet.

"Because I know whatever little part I play to make you feel better, I will feel better. And it's you I reach out to when I am in the depths of despair. YOU. You idiot. Just YOU. Because I feel u there, I feel a part of you and you a part of me. Why don't you see me trying to be perfect for you? WHY?"
"Don't be perfect for me. Really. Just make sure what you do is good for yourself in the long run."

Indifferent chill. Impending inference. Unattainable scenario. Just a circus within a circus. A trapeze act swinging towards the ultimate separation. 

"I meet you today, act stupid to make you smile, because I feel that tomorrow this today's smile would be our strength."
" I know. Don't I ever make you smile?"
"You do. You don't even have to try. You just do."

Then the striking question. Words they hid from. Both searching answers for the answer that will either hammer the nail in the coffin, or maybe snap it open and set them free. Free from everything, free from each other. Intangible, incarcerating freedom. 

"Then why do you think we are drifting apart? Why? Why?"
"Circumstances."
"Circumstances has a name?"
"Not sure."
"So we let an endless list of questions damage the US that we have been trying to keep safe for so long?
"You know, I should not be feeling so low. Because I had predicted this happening. You were the one that said it would not. Quite ironic ain't it."

Irony. The joke's on them. 

"But then I still keep loving you."
"That's an imaginary situation."
"I always will."
"Well, that I will too. I always will. You know, love is what love is between you and I. Will always be the same or rather grow fonder."
"That is the only love I know too."
"These petty things won't affect that love."
"That's what I am begging you too.That's what I am begging you too. Don't let it affect us."
"It won't."

Eventually reality barges in. Screaming like a warrior mustering all the remaining strength to strike a last blow against the challenger. The world. It's a losing bet. But hope has a way to trick everyone in believing otherwise. 

"But that was also very new to me. Very, very new. Because, before that I was in a self created paradise. And suddenly I saw the only guy I have ever loved go away right right in front of my eyes. It was new. And you pulled me back. You can always pull me back."
 "You know me, every time I meet you, it is a self created paradise and when I go I am almost on the verge of tears. Every time. But then I think of something you had said or did, and that gives me a glimpse of tomorrow. A tomorrow where you and I could be stronger. But the time before that happens is really tough. That's the time that i am going through right now. I want to safeguard our love."

Schism. It had to fall apart. They were never meant to be always together. It was just a momentary oasis in the desert. A temporary salvage that was going to destroy further. The moment when a mountaineer reaches the summit and suddenly the trickster pulls the mountain from below the climber. The moment when two people are caught in a swirling tornado and forcefully thrown out in opposite directions.

Joke. A joke where no one laughs.

They were forced to go separate ways. Who knows if their paths will cross again, though their memories are filled with each other. They have gardened their sweet secret places full of flowers and by lanes and raindrops. An easy escape and an easy wormhole.

Mandrake and Mehnaz's very own private Wonderland.

Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
Into the rose-garden. My words echo

Thus, in your mind.

---

Earlier:
Lane of Memories :: The conclusion
Lane of Memories :: Follow you into the Dark
Lane of Memories :: Need is a Want

Lane of Memories :: Need is a Want

Mandrake smashes his glass on the wall.

All your time is not your own
It's real hard to find out why
It's real hard to say good-bye
To move on down the line...

"Your memory is all that I have." He slurs. "Your memory is what I cherish, Your voice is the only melody, Your images I treasure so much."

Both your eyes wide open
You see the shape I'm in
It wasn't of my choosing
It's only bones and skin
And I will plead no contest
If loving you's a crime
So go on and find me guilty
Just one more fucking time

He pours another glass in the wee hours of the morning. Takes a sip. Stumbles across to the wall.

All your life is in your head
All you dreams are in your sleep
And if your dreams are hid too deep
They're just a waste of time
When you try to chase the dream
You never seem to know the time
You never recognize the signs
And nothing's what it seems

Smashes the glass again. Screams in Pain.

"Memory, Voice, Images." He pauses, waits for his tears to douse some of the anger.

All life is a mystery,
All things pass you by in time
All things just a perfect crime
It's just the way we are
All instincts let you down
It's not a case of love in vain
It's not a case of love insane
It's enough to break your heart

"I don't want you to be like her. I want her."

And so all our years together
Weren't worth a fucking dime
So go on and find me guilty
Just one more fucking time

---

The song playing in the background is 'One More Fucking Time' by Motorhead.

Earlier: Lane of Memories :: Follow you into the Dark

Lane of Memories :: Follow you into the Dark

The happenings of the day still pounded Mandrake's brain with all the residual noise and chaos. It was a busy day and he made sure he kept days busy, just to ensure that he does not get lost in the past.

“But why should I be afraid of the past? That’s where I belong.”

Mandrake smiled in irony as he poured himself a stiff one. He really needed one today and even the glass could have realized his craving with that touch. Even the dark night that surrounded him could sense his longing.

Days like these, when Mandrake kept himself very busy, are the days that conspired against him and took him back to Mehnaz.

He gulped half of his second glass of whiskey and eased himself on the sofa. His flight was ready to take him to scenes of the past, to his villa that oversaw his beautiful memories. He was fighting with time and it was all messed up. Yesterday, yesterday’s yesterday and today.

His time portal was opening up to take him along. He gulped down his sixth glass and submitted himself to the clearing noise and space. The clearing then gave away to a moment, from the thousand others.

“I am sorry to call you so late baby, but just wanted to tell you that I am glad you came back for me.”

“I had to, Rake sweety.”

“You know Naz, I won’t love anyone as I love you. It just wouldn’t be possible.”

“Rake, don’t say won’t. I won’t say won’t. Won’t has a tendency of proving us wrong.”

Silence. Mandrake was just overwhelmed by his feelings for Mehnaz.

“But Naz baby, I am really glad you came,” was all that Mandrake could mutter.

“Rake, don’t say that again. That just makes it so formal. Didn’t you say once, Own me a little baby.”

Mandrake just smiled to himself. Wondering why he isn’t whispering in her ear and not the phone.

“Ok I won’t, don’t want to drag you too much in my quicksand.”

“Rake baby, I love you Ok, I always will. I'm always there beside you and I'll come running whenever you need me like today. But please don’t push me away.”

“No Naz, I just can’t push you away. You are my lifeline.”

“And I won’t let you push me away baby, I never will.”

Then Mehnaz starts softly singing on the phone,

…Love of mine some day you will die,
But I'll be close behind,
I'll follow you into the dark…

Mandrake slips into the darkness. His present locked in the past where he truly lives.

--

Earlier - Lane of Memories :: The conclusion
The song is - I'll follow you into the dark by Death Cab for Cutie

Lane of memories :: The conclusion

With an angry screech, the car halted near the construction site. A man vehemently got out of the driver’s seat and started walking towards the person who seemed to be in charge at the construction site.

“Tell your people to stop the work.”

“But we have orders from the owner of this place. This whole area and the small lane has to be flattened for a mall.”

“Thanks for the details, but I own this place now and that gives me the orders to stop the work. Here is a copy of the land deal. For details, let me put you through to my lawyer.”

After the hurried phone call, the construction in charge gives a confused glance at the papers. He then looks at the man in front of him. The eyes that don’t speak but just stare.

“Is that evidence enough?” the man says.

The in charge yells at the people to stop the work.

The man stands there, looks at everyone in the field. Eye to Eye. Passing a message that seems to say, I am the owner now. Cold hard look.

He waits for a long time while the construction people pack off their stuff and start leaving the place. Meanwhile his second in command also reaches the place and talks with the construction in charge. Clarifies whatever little persisting doubt.

“New owner. New ideas. You are wasting your time. Please tell your people to wrap up soon and leave.”

---

Mandrake sits in his chair looking out of the balcony. A glass of whiskey and soda sits besides him. Whiskey on the rocks was never his type of drink. Whichever whiskey it was, it was always with soda.

He takes a peaceful sip and reflects on the day. It was a conclusion to the deal that he fought for almost a month, a hard fought month.

He had to be secretive about being the main person interested in the land deal. Very secretive. Under no circumstances he could allow his name to be revealed to the old owner.

He had a lot of poignant feelings attached to that piece land.

Specially the lane that went through the land. That little lane just besides the main road. The little lane that was lined by a few trees. A few nests that housed birds who added melody to the memories.

Mandrake just couldn’t allow Mehnaz to destroy this lane of memories. Memories they shared together.

---
More to come